How I Wish It To Be
by ChibiUkon
Summary: This is SO AU. What would happen if Kaworu had a change of Heart while Shinjis' visit to his apartment? KxS. Yaoi. Don't like, don't read. Thankyou!


Cris- Hello all and welcome to my very first Evangelion fic! Just a small Disclaimer to begin , I do NOT own Evangelion or its characters (and That makes me cry ;;). This is a Shonen-ai fic, meaning a male/male Relationship is in the works so If you have problems with reading this I advise you to turn away now; if you don't, COME ON IN !

Strange really… for the first time in my life, that I can really remember feeling So whole, was my first night with him.. but fate is a twisted mistress, for this was to Be the last night I would have with him.  
I offered to take the floor but he insisted against it. I smiled at him and he Blushed. His face– a dusty rose color. and I have to fight off the urge to reach out And brush my hand across his face.  
We both lie in silence in my small, darkened apartment that NERV has so Generously supplied me with. I do not wish for this silence… and I know he doesn't Either. I can sense he is dying to say something, yet... he held back; he is afraid.  
I don't wish for that.. please don't fear me.

"What did you want to say? " I asked him quietly, trying to get him to speak "Huh? .. what? " he looked over at me.. I smile but I do not look back "You had something you wanted to say.. didn't you? " he looked away. "A lot of things have happened.. since I came here. Before, I use to live with my teacher.. It was calm and boring in those days.. " you paused a moment "But I was fine with that… there… really wasn't anything for me to do.. " "Did you hate dealing with people? " I asked "Kind of, I didn't really care.. but I.. " you paused again,  
bringing your hand up and placing it on your chest.. just above your heart "... I really hated my father.. "

Its painful ... isn't it , Shinji ?

I know what he is thinking right now.. 'WHY AM I TELLING HIM ALL THIS ?  
I SHOULDN'T BE TELLING HIM THIS, IF I DO...IF I GET TO CLOSE, HE WILL ONLY BETRAY ME' I wish he would not think such things. 

I want to help him… I want nothing more right now then to hold him in my arms, to protect him, to tell him that things will be alright.. but… this is not my purpose. My purpose is to return to Adam and to bring about the judgment upon the Lilim existence .

Tabris's Destiny..

But this is not what I want.. this is not what kaworu wants.. this is not how I Wish things to be.  
For right now I will push these thoughts aside .. I am here now and I can feel his pain.. I do not wish for him to feel this way. Even if it is just for one night, even if it is just for a few hours, I will show him that he is loved… I love him. 

I allow a soft laugh escape my lips and that catches his attention. He turns to face me; I smile and face him and he blushes again.. Father, I love that blush.

"I think I was born to meet you, Shinji Ikari" 

His Eyes widen in what look like shock. I don't like that fact... has he never been told these things? He turns his head and looks away. "Please don't say such things like that... You shouldn't say things you don't mean."

I guess not...

I rolled over onto my stomach and proped my head up with my forearm "What do you mean? " I asked but he did not return my gaze. "I mean just that... You should never tell someone something that isn't true. Even if the truth is ugle... don't lie to me"  
" I could never lie to you...have I, shinji? " "...no... but... how do I know that you aren't now? How do I know you weren't lying is the bath, when you.." he fell silent for a moment "... when you said.." he whispers ".. that you loved me".

He then rolled over onto his side, bringing his kneens to his chest. His back facing me completely. No, please Shinji.. look at me.

"Maybe...I don't know... maybe you are, maybe you aren't. Maybe I'm wishing for the lie instead... so I can feel secure even if its a false security or maybe I'm wishing for the truth.. so life can just pass me by and leave me behind, like everone else has. I don't really know if I want the thruth or the lie... I guess it really doesn't make that much of a difference."

Of course it matters! Please, Trust me. Please believe in me Shinji. I do not wish for you to think such things... not now, not ever. I can take your sufferning no longer.

I crawl out of my bed and make my way over to him but he does not hearme move.  
Hes till facing the wall. I kneel down beside him and place my hand upon his shoulder.

"Shinji" I whisper and he turns to look up at me "Kaworu..what..?" "I beg you..." I start "Please do not think that." He blinks in confusion "What do you mean? " "Please do not think that things like these do not matter. The fact that you think these very things.. it hurts.. and I can not stand the pain you feel any longer.."

"Its true though.." He sits up "It doesn't matter to me anymore.. its now just a dull pain that I hav suffered with ever since I was small. Tell me the truth and you will not truely mean it... tell me a lie and I will get the horrible truth later... its all the same"

No.. you are wrong.

"Shinji.." I gently reach out my hand and place it on his cheek. He winces at the touch as if it burns but my hand remains. " You are wrong. It does matter.. True, that fact can indeed become a lie in the future but the truth, the real truth can only be found here"  
I slowly move my hand down his face and neck to rest against his chest, over his heart.

"Don't always believe what you hear.. or only that of which your mind can comprehend. Trust your heart and everything will be alright. What does it say to you?  
what has it told you before? " without even realizing it. His head is resting in my lap.  
I stroke his soft brown hair as he speaks.

" I guess... I really don't know which to believe in. My Heart says one thing but my head says another. My head has never been wrong so I've always just done what I'm told.. and it scares me." " And what is that, Shinji? " " It says.. 'RUN FROM THE,  
DON'T LISTEN, DON'T TRUST THEM.. THEY WILL ONLY ABANDON YOU' and it has always been right.. everyone leaves.."

"Did I leave? I ask and he falls silent for a moment " No... you didn't" he replies

I move my free hand to cover his eyes. " Can you see me, Shinji?" I ask " No, ofcourse I can't." "Can't you hear me, Shinji? " "...Yes". I lean down "Can you feel me,  
Shinji? " I continue to stroke his hair gently and he shivers " Y-Yes..." I can feel tears beginning to fall. Don't cry, love.. sadness does not become you. I do not wish for you to be so sad.

" Don not cry.. not this night." I pull him closer to me, Holding him close to my body. Your shivering.. are you cold? No, you are frightened.. scared of my touch. O please, don't be.

"You know I am here and that is what frightens you. The fact of me leaving you alone like so many others have. This will not be."

I tighten my grip around him and looks up at me. His deep blue eyes reflect in mine a mixture of hope, fear, confusion.. yet amungst all those things I can see trust.

" Even if you can not see me or hear me, I am always with you.. you are a part of me and I am a part of you. Always together, deep in our hearts, because.." I pause; my lips inch closer to yours "Love is never lost." My lips gently touch yours. So soft and sweet.. Like a dream.. Like home.

After a moment or two, I pull away and notice tha you have stopped shaking.

" The human heart is very fragile, this I do not doubt.. but love has the power to make all things strong. Be strong, my shinji.. Let my love make you strong" I smile and press my forehead to his and i am rewarded with a smile in return. "I will.. I'm strong. I'm strong. Thankyou, Kaworu."

You are welcome, My Shinji. This is how I truely wish it to be.

-End-

Cris - WHOOH ! that was hard! I feel the need to go cry and listening to Ode to Joy while writing this thing wasn't mucj help, either! wow. girls don't yah just WISH some guy would say that to you? (and if they already have... LUCKY!) Well, I hope you all liked it. Please send me reviews! 


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